A Mother's Love

It's time I write another blog... this is Danielle by the way. I'm sure you would have been able to guess quite quickly due to Tim and I's different writing styles. But this blog is not really an update, just some outpouring from the heart.

A mother’s love is an instinct, a loyalty that is guaranteed. It’s never giving up and always believing in the best about her child. It never judges, it’s a source of encouragement and provides a pillar of strength to lean on. A mother’s love is whole. It is a part of nothing and yet the foundation of everything. It is found in everything a mother says or does. It’s in the food she makes and the things that she goes out of her way to do. It’s in the support she provides and in the celebration of her child’s triumphs. It’s even in angry words that she may say, because a mothers love always comes from a place of pure intentions. 

I read this insert from an article online tonight after having one of the roughest moments yet in our fostering journey. The article contains a ton of different people talking about what exactly a mother's love means to them. The above passage really stuck out to me. It brought forth a ton of emotions. I love our boys more than words can even begin to express but there are times when this is not easy at all. Tonight just happened to be a not so easy night which seemed to be a theme this week. I don't think I fully grasp what a mother's love is yet but it might take years to fully understand.

I think mothers can be very hard on themselves. We want to provide love, support and security for our children/families while making sure the house is spotless, laundry is done, outside landscaping is perfect and dinner is made every night all while working a full time “career” job... needless to say this is overwhelming especially when fostering. When you foster there are people in and out of your house on a weekly basis, so there is even more pressure to have a “perfect” appearance. I can't accomplish even half of this some days because by the time I get home from my stressful day job, the real job of parenting begins.

Pirate has a fair amount of behavioral issues we are trying so hard to help with. He can be the best kid and the worst kid within a matter of seconds. Does this make me not love him... not at all but it does make me crazy! In moments of weakness I would be lying if I didn't say I wish I could close my eyes and make everything go back to the way it was before we had kids but this quickly passes. Far too often I feel like parenting him is a “constant job” and not much fun. We have to walk him through every situation and correct his behaviors about a million times a day. Most people say this is normal feeling but to be honest these are people who have biological children. I really want to give him back sometimes because he makes me feel so crazy which I would Never do, but makes me feel horrible to even have that thought. There is an instinctive love for a biological child and no matter what, you know that they are a part of you and no one will ever take them from you. It isn't the same when fostering to adopt, especially older children. Pirate's biological mom has been really giving up lately but he had over 4 years of constant chaos and bad influences in his life and now we are trying to help him deal with these behaviors in a loving productive way. It's a daily struggle but we will never give up on him. Instead of having our bad habits, he has someone else's habits (and possibly some medical help is needed) that we are now trying to conquer. This little boy can take me to levels of frustration I didn't even know I had (like tonight) but he also fills a hole in my heart that no one could fill but him. Loving him was not automatic for me which sounds horrible, but unfortunately is true. I was once told it is important to first be a caregiver, and the love will come in time. This is SO true! I can honestly now say that after almost 8 months I love this little boy to death! We feel with very little doubt that this is his forever home and hopefully before the end of the year we can adopt him. He is an amazing intelligent child that I would fight through fire to save. I know that some day this will all be behind us and we will look back and appreciate these struggles which will hopefully make him an independent, God fearing, strong willed man who will fight through everything to care for his family.

Little Man and I bonded really quickly. Personally I think I bonded quicker with him because he was a baby when he came to us. I have always wanted to be a mom, and having that lil guy sleeping on my chest was one of the best feelings in the world! I've been able to experience all of his first milestones as well which is incredible watching him learn new things. (He recently started walking!!) I don't think I will ever be able to experience the awesome feeling of a child growing inside of me (although God can prove me wrong on this at any point in time which would be totally cool with me), but having someone so small need me was an instant bond. It is tough at times to think he could be taken away from us. I seriously do not know what I would do. I love this lil guy SO much! We have had to fight many battles for Little Man. I've testified in court on his behalf and will fight as hard as humanly possible to ensure he will be here with us forever. He looks at me and calls me Momma, and Tim Daddy. This unsettling feeling of possibly losing him I can not even begin to put into words. When you biologically have a child they are yours. No one can take them from you, they are yours. Tim and I both feel like we are Little Man's parents and protectors but until he is officially ours we will have a great fear that he will be ripped out of our arms and placed into a horrible situation just because biologically he is someone else's which is ridiculous!

I love our perfectly imperfect family and that's what a mother's love is to me. I did not birth these boys but I will fight any battle out there to make sure they are kept safe and loved. If that means fighting the “system” to give them a voice I will do it. There is nothing that I can not conquer as long as it is God's will. He has been and always will be the glue holding all of this together. The boys have already been through so many struggles in their short lives and I will make sure that I do everything possible to give them a true mother's love... It’s never giving up and always believing in the best about her child. It never judges, it’s a source of encouragement and provides a pillar of strength to lean on. A mother’s love is whole. It is a part of nothing and yet the foundation of everything.