One Month (And Some) In.

Well, we're a little over of month into our lives with these boys. And, simply put, we could not be happier. It's hard to believe it's only been a month, as everything about this situation feels so much longer. I mean, the amount of love we have for them after just a month. The improvements they've made after just a month. I don't how this has all happened to quickly, but it has and I love it.

One of the hardest parts of taking these boys into our home has been adjusting on the fly. We didn't have the luxury of a nine month pregnancy, or going through the growing pains that comes with raising a boy to almost five years old. We just got the very raw, (un)finished product in Pirate. There are many times when we're not sure if Danielle and I are feeling wrong or misplaced frustrations/emotions. When I talk to parents who have or have raise similarly aged boys, they laugh and tell me that it's normal. But, again, they were able to grow into those emotions, whereas we've had roughly five weeks to figure it out.

In the last post (regrettably so long ago!) I mentioned that the boys had a court hearing at the beginning of the month. That was certainly an experience I could do without ever reliving (although, it will probably repeat itself many times over). A little recap for you. The hearing was scheduled at 11 am, so the boys and I arrived around 10:20 (Danielle had to work, but was able to join us for the actual hearing). We didn't get called into the court room until around 4:30. So I had the honor of spending six blissful hours with their family. As the hearing took place on a day when they normally would have had a visit (which was canceled as a result of the hearing) I decided that the biological families could care for the boys all day. This proved extremely tough to sit back and watch, as I could see a few weeks of hard work with Pirate being thrown out in just a few hours. The mom and her family are just pure chaos. Their primary form of discipline all day long appeared to be screaming at Pirate and telling him the boogyman would eat his hands if did this or that. Shockingly, this proved to be extremely ineffective. As he got more and more wild and out of control, I pulled him aside a couple times and calmly explained to him what he needed to do and what the consequence would be if he disobeyed again. As they witnessed him listening to and respecting me, I feel as if some jealousy started to set in. At one point, their lovely mother decided that a cigarette was more important than Pirate, who she left screaming on the floor (an act made all the more delightful by the fact that she is supposedly pregnant again). Little Man's dad was also there. He is a lot more of a sympathetic character. He has no clue how to be a father by any stretch of the imagination (as evidenced by him trying to feed his toothless ~7 month old son some cheese curls), but he means well. Although we want to keep these boys forever, we'd feel a little bit better with Little Man going with his dad than we would with either of them going to their mom or grandmother. It's hard to imagine a good outcome if they wind up with them. The grandmother repeatedly told me and the agency caseworker how badly she wants Pirate to come home with her. Broke down in tears and said she would die if she didn't get Pirate. Which sounds sweet and all until you realize she never once mentioned her other grandchild who is at stake as well. Whether she assumes Little Man will go with his dad and they'll figure it out from there on their own, I'm not sure. Still, it was extremely off putting that she only seemed to care for the placement of one of her grandchildren.

As we stood outside the courtroom waiting for the case before ours to conclude, the mom and grandmother began yelling at the county and agency caseworkers how they think it's very inappropriate for me to show affection towards Pirates (presumably, they saw him kiss me on the cheek earlier in the day, an act that I don't think I returned, but who cares if I did). As our caseworkers stood there taking this nonsense (with me stand about ten feet behind them at the time), they did they're best to laugh them off. They tried to explain to the family that at his age, Pirate needs to know he is loved. I know this family can't see the fact that we are caring for their children, but it was still rough to listen to such garbage. I'm not sure what their goal was by bringing this up, but whatever it was it didn't work. Again, I believe this was an instance of some jealousy, as they could see how their kids acted towards me after just a few weeks. After spending a day with them, they strike me as the kind of people who have gotten their way in life by yelling and bullying people into agreement. Thankfully, both our agency and county caseworkers are extremely resilient as refuse to back down from what they know is right. It feels awesome having so many people on our side, after such a short time.

Any way, after about six hours of waiting, we were finally called into the court room. Danielle was able to come in just after the hearing started. As this hearing was a continuation of the prior hearing, we got to hear a lot about the family's personal issues which led to the kids being removed. While I can't reveal those details publicly, I can say that learning more has given us some more hope that we could keep these boys forever. Of course, no matter how horrible a family may be (and this family is pretty lousy), the placement is always up to the judge. Hopefully, she will see that we are the better option for these boys to grow up with. The end result of the hearing was that they next one would be in three months (so, sometime in March at this point). At that hearing, they'll look at the efforts that the different family members are making to get the boys back. After that, they could decide to leave the boys with us for a determined amount of time or they could decided that the families are ready to take them back. Obviously, we're rooting for the former option.

Since the hearing, the mom has moved into an apartment. This was a big issue for her, as she was essentially homeless and lived with a string of friends and family. Based on some things we've heard, we have our doubts that this apartment will pass in the eyes of the judge, but you never know. Regardless, in her mind, this was all she needed to do and she is now qualified to get her kids back (this is not true at all, but it's hard to say what goes on in this lady's mind). She has begun to tell Pirate that he gets to come how now, going as far to say that she painted his room so it was all ready for him to come home. However, upon hearing this, Pirate replied that he “already has a room at Tim and Danielle's. I don't need any more rooms.” I wish I could have seen her face when he said that. He has told us on many occasions that he wants to stay here forever with us and his baby brother. It's hard, because we don't know how to reply to this. Obviously, we would want nothing more than to keep these precious boys for life. Yet, we don't want to promise things that we can't deliver. So, instead, we just keep trying to make sure they know how much we love both of them.

It was a blast having kids this Christmas. It was also a little overwhelming how family and friends treated them (in an overwhelmingly positive way). No one treats these kids like they're just some temporary foster kids. Everyone from the start has acted like these are our children, no matter how long they are with us. We tried to caution various family members against buying too much, if anything, for the boys. Obviously, we planned on spoiling them without hesitations. Still, we are trying in any way to protect family and friends from the heartbreak we know will happen if these kids do not end up staying with us forever. Despite our efforts, no one held back in giving to these boys. It's amazing how loved they are by everyone. Given that my family all lives out west, they haven't had the chance to meet them yet. Nevertheless, they and Danielle's family have treated them just like every other nephew/cousin/grandchild/whatever. It is genuinely one of the most overwhelming feelings knowing that we have a huge network that already loves these boys as if they've been here from birth.

We leave for Ohio for Christmas with Danielle's family tonight after the boys finish their visit with their mom and grandmother. We're so excited that they're getting the chance to feel love from even more family.