Over the last couple weeks, a few
friends said that we should update this more regularly. To be fair,
they were probably just being nice and wanted to make me feel good.
But joke's on them because now you're getting an update.
Since the last update, things have been
going very well. Pirate had a four day stretch where the meltdowns
and outbursts were near apocalyptic. But other than that brief
period, he's been pretty good. Pirate's behavior continues to
struggle a bit before and after visits with his mother and
grandmother. Given that these visits happen three times a week
(except for the numerous ones they have been canceling lately), it's
hard to develop a routine of great behavior. His attitude begins to
shift for the worse in the hours leading up to the visits; more often
than not, he comes home extremely wound and misbehaving (not
shocking, given that I'm sure he receives little or extremely
ineffective discipline while on these visits). It takes until the
next afternoon to get him back to the good behavior we know he can
exhibit. But by this time, it's a little over 24 hours until the
next visit and the cycle begins to repeat. We've asked the county if
there is a way we could reduce the number of visits (while still
allowing the same number of overall hours). It seems doubtful that
this could happen, but we truly believe that Pirate's behavior will
not completely improve until there is more separation from their
family.
Little Man has been predictably great.
He's definitely getting spoiled lately, so we're working on not
catering to his every need (if you saw his face, you would understand
how tough this can be!). Unfortunately for you, one of the downsides
of fostering is that we're not allowed to put pictures of these kids
on any type of social media, so I guess you'll just have to trust me
on this one.
Their visits are becoming an ever
increasing source of frustration. The mother has repeatedly called
the agency on us, complaining about the “filth” the boys are
living in. Her proof? A couple dog hairs that were stuck on their
clothes. Horrible, right? She also complained multiple times that
we were not sending any of the toys they bought along to the visits.
First of all, we were under no obligation to send these toys with the
boys. But more importantly, we were, in fact, sending all but a
couple over sized toys to every visit. Eventually, she demanded that
we send back every single toy or clothing item they had given the
boys. This was actually awesome for us, as it freed up some room in
our home. Luckily for us, any of the county or agency people just
seem to roll their eyes at her. They dealt with he longer than we
have and know exactly what she is like. Still, it's frustrating to
have accusations cast on you by such an unqualified human being. But
once again, we have the best possible group of people defending our
honor and only allowing what is best for the boys.
One of the things I don't think we were
fully prepared for when we took in kids was the sickness. I'm not
talking about a cough here or a runny nose here. But all the time,
“I feel like I'm dying” sickness. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I
would say at least one of the four of us has been sick at any given
time since the boys came to live with us. Little Man recently fought
off a double ear infection that kept him up all night for about a
week until the medication was able to take effect. It's non-stop and
it's annoying. I also assume this is just standard operating
procedure for the next 10 years or so. On the upside, I finally got
to experience explosive vomit. I always assumed parents were being
dramatic in their descriptions of such events. But no, this was
something straight out The Exorcist. Pretty incredible stuff.
The boys have a hearing coming up in
early March. From what we've been told, this one will take place in
front of a hearing office, as opposed to their judge. As I
understand it, this has two big implications: first, we should be in
and out of the hearing quickly (instead of another 8+ hour adventure
with the family); second, given that the judge is not presiding over
this hearing, no major changes should take place. This hearing is
more of a progress report for the parents, to see if they are doing
what the need to be doing. But it should not change their status
with us. So, presumably, they will still be with us long after this
hearing. As the case is progressing, we're feeling more and more
confident that the boys will not go back to the maternal family.
Pirate's father is not in the picture and/or not an option. Little
Man's father is doing some of the things he needs to do to get him
back. Other parts, he has yet to even begin doing. So, we're a
little nervous that Little Man could be placed with him eventually.
Obviously, we would do anything in our power to keep these boys
together and in our home. Unfortunately, as we've said countless
times, it is ultimately not up to us. We try not to think about one
of both of them being taken from us, but it's a hard aspect to
ignore. Pirate would be devastated if his little brother was gone.
We're not sure what influence that could have on the final outcome,
but we certainly hope it is at least considered. We just need to
keep doing the best job we can and hope that the judge recognizes
that we are the best option for the boys going forward.
Last week, as Pirate and I were playing
on the couch, he randomly asked me if Danielle was a mom. I in turn
asked him if he thought she was. He said yes. I asked him who's mom
she was and he pointed to himself and Little Man. I repeated this
same line of questioning in regards to me. Shortly after, apropos to
nothing, he stated that he was going to call me dad. At various, if
inconsistent, points during the next few days, he has addressed me as
dad. Part of me thinks he is doing it because he knows we like to
hear it. Nevertheless, this incredibly moving and validating, yet
also tough to handle. Certainly, we're not going to force or even
really encourage him to call us mom or dad. At the same time, I
don't think we're going to correct him when he does use those terms.
Clearly, this is a child who is growing more comfortable being in a
loving household every day. As with most children, the people who
take care of him and love him unconditionally are mom and dad. But
at times, he seems confused by this, since he has another mom. So, I
think, we're going to let it ride. If he calls us Tim or Danielle,
great! If he happens to call us Mom or Dad, wonderful. He needs to
grow into it at whatever speed is comfortable for him. I'm sure,
however, that his biological mother will lose her mind the first time
he says it at a visit. I don't want to say that's an added bonus,
but...
I'd promise to try to be more regular
with updates, but hey, what's the use in making promises I probably
won't keep?
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