Savor every moment.

As we prepared for our most recent court hearing, we were comforted by the notion that this would be a routine, quick hearing where no major changes would take place in our kids' case (an theory mostly buoyed by the knowledge that it was in front of a hearing officer, and not the judge). This was an idea that had been implied to us multiple times by a few different people. However, that would turn out to be pretty far from the truth.

Nothing changed in regards to Pirate and Little Man's status with their mom or her family. In fact, the hearing officer seemed pretty put off by that side of the family throughout the hearing (most members of the family seemed fairly disinterested in the proceedings and the mother has had a hilariously bad track record since the last court date).

However, things did not go nearly as well for us in regards to Little Man and his father. Quite unexpectedly, the father was granted unsupervised overnight stays with our Little Man. The boys' attorney tried to push for unsupervised daytime visits first, but was overruled given the father's compliance with all the rules and programs the court has ordered for him. Obviously, this was heartbreaking for us. We've long thought there was a chance Little Man would go back to his father. But in a way, we never fully confronted that idea because it was a way's off (in our minds, at least). In our estimation, there probably aren't too many steps to go between unsupervised overnight stays and Little Man being placed with his father permanently. After leaving the hearing as quickly as we possibly could, we both broke down in the car. We finally had to admit to ourselves that we are in all likelihood losing our Little Man.

We're not sure what the future looks like, exactly. We don't know when these overnight visits will begin. We're not sure how long it will be until we have to give back our son to his biological father permanently. I would like to think we have a few more months. I sent our county caseworkers and the child advocate/attorney an email this morning asking such questions. Like I said, we left the hearing in stunned disbelief and didn't stick around to ask any questions. We do know that we will try to remain in Little Man's life in any way allowable. When these overnight stays begin, we plan to give the father our numbers so that he can contact us if he has an question or problem. We hope to build a relationship with him so that he might eventually let us babysit or spend our own time with Little Man. I'm sure this will be hard to see him but not “have” him, but we won't ever be able to completely say goodbye. So hopefully, if we are able, being involved on the fringes of Little Man's life will help ease the coming pain.

We've known all along that this was a part of this journey. This is what foster care is meant to do; provide the biological parent the time and resources to turn their life around and allow for reunification with their child. Still, this isn't what we wanted. We would do anything in our power to adopt these boys tomorrow. It doesn't matter that they've been in our lives less than four months and that we don't share a single strand of DNA. These are our children. And that will remain the case tomorrow and every day, even long after Little Man is placed back with his biological father. Nothing can change the impact these boys have had on us or the amount of love we've shared in such a short time.

So what happens now? Well, we regroup. And we adjust. Even though we love Little Man just as much as we did before the hearing, there will probably be some emotional weaning over the next few months. I realize that may sound heartless, but it really isn't. I don't know how we'll do it, but I'm sure we will slowly force ourselves to become less emotionally attached to him, if only to fool ourselves that it won't be the most heartbreaking moment of our lives when we finally give him back. When we began fostering, our goal was to adopt. But just as much as that, our goal was to make every day the best day our foster children would have, and that they would feel more loved than they ever had before. So, I think we go back to that, especially for Little Man. Make every day count. Savor every future memory as a family. But more importantly, love him like no one else has before.

These past few days have been as dark as any for us. We've cried together and separately. We took breaks during work or play when the realization of what was happening became too much to bear. I don't know how will get through the day when we finally and officially lose our Little Man, but I have a feeling we'll be leaning on all of you quite heavily.